Building Patience & Kindness

The following video transcript has been lightly edited

Here it is retyped cleanly, with the timestamps removed and light paragraph breaks for readability:

I think one of the reasons that God gives us children is there’s no one that tests our patience and kindness more than being a parent.

We’re in our series on building character, and the idea of being patient and kind is something that is regularly taught throughout the New Testament—by Jesus, Paul, Peter, and others.

Today, what I want to talk to you about is how we might build patience and kindness. We’re going to look at a story from Jesus, and the way he interacts in this story gives us some clues about how to grow in kindness and patience.

It’s going to come down to three things. First, we need to find peace within ourselves. Second, we need to be able to see the whole person. And third, we want to think about being curious versus judgmental.

So let me sketch it out for you. Jesus is about to go on his way when a rich young man runs up to him, kneels before him, and says, “Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus says to him, “Keep the commandments.” The man replies, “I’ve done that my whole life.” Then Jesus says, “There’s one more thing—go sell your possessions.” And the man leaves upset and sad because he has many possessions.

I want to point out three things. First, there’s nothing in the story that gives us the sense that this young man really has peace within himself. The story is told in such a way that he runs up, which gives us a sense of anxiety, and he leaves quickly. He hears this statement from Jesus and walks away with sadness. You get the sense that even though he has wealth, and even though he believes he has kept all the commandments, something is missing. There’s something going on beneath the surface—this grasping behavior.

When we consider how we might be kind and patient in the same way we see Jesus be kind and patient in the way he engages people, we have to begin with peace within ourselves. That’s where it starts. Kindness and patience flow from peace within ourselves.

What God offers us is a few things. God says, “You are flawed. There’s a part of you that is human. There’s a part of you that is broken. There’s a part of you that has instincts that aren’t always helpful.” Being able to own that actually brings freedom. Then God also says, “You are loved, and you are forgiven.” And ultimately, there is hope—a future of restoration.

Those things allow us to have a sense of peace within ourselves. And when we have peace within ourselves, we’re able to share that peace outwardly. If we don’t have it, it’s impossible for us to engage others with peace, patience, and kindness. What will come out instead is the frustration and anxiety that’s built up inside of us.

So we need to pay attention in our lives and ask, “If I want to grow in kindness and patience, where do I lack peace? What’s going on under the surface?” Reading and reflecting, changing some behaviors, identifying circumstances, counseling, conversations with friends—all kinds of things can help us resolve those areas so we can operate outwardly from a place of peace within ourselves.

The second thing we want to do is engage the whole person. All of us bring our whole selves wherever we go. Every time we show up, we bring our current circumstances, the story that has shaped us, and the physical and emotional realities of the present moment. All of those things shape how we act and behave.

There’s something called the fundamental attribution error. When it comes to other people, we often assume they act the way they do because they’re just mean or bad people. But when we think about our own behavior, we remember all the circumstances. If we cut someone off in traffic, it’s because we were late or didn’t notice them. But if someone else cuts us off, we think, “They’re just a jerk.”

If we want to grow in patience and kindness, we need to engage the whole story of others. When we consider everything people have going on, it helps us find paths of kindness and patience.

When you think about Jesus in this story, he looks at this man, sees the anxiety, sees the struggle, and he loves him. His guidance is meant to help, not to hurt or increase anxiety. But the young man isn’t in a place where he can hear it that way, because he doesn’t have peace within himself.

So if we want to grow in patience and kindness, we need to find peace within ourselves, and then we need to engage people’s whole story—recognizing that what’s going on in their lives is often bigger than what we see at first glance.

Lastly, we want to be curious rather than judgmental. The rich young ruler hears Jesus and assumes he understands everything, then walks away upset. Yet Jesus doesn’t tell everyone with power and possessions to sell everything they have.

What might have been different if the young man had said, “Jesus, I don’t understand. Why are you asking me to do this?” Jesus might have responded by saying, “It seems to me that you have all the possessions you could imagine, you’ve kept the law, and yet you’re still anxious. You’re still wrestling. It may be that money and reputation have become your god. By giving this away, you might find your value in something other than your possessions and reputation. It will be hard, but you might actually find freedom.”

Jesus ends the passage by saying that in God’s kingdom, the first shall be last and the last shall be first. There is freedom that comes when we are not tied to wealth and possessions, but instead tied to others, to kindness, love, and servanthood. That’s what God lifts up.

Whenever we make a judgment, we close things down. Fire, engines, and human beings all need oxygen. They work best when there’s an open flow. When we close off oxygen, things stop working. Judgment closes off oxygen. Curiosity keeps things open.

So what we want to do is remain open—by being curious, asking questions, engaging the whole story, and operating from a place of peace. These things allow us to grow in patience and kindness.

Here’s what I know: when you’re around someone who is patient and kind, you enjoy being in their presence. There’s something about them that gives life. And when you pursue patience and kindness yourself, you’re growing your character to match the character of God. That’s where your soul finds resonance. That’s where life that is truly life is found.

My hope for you this week is that you go out with peace within yourself, that you consider the whole story of others, and that you remain open with curiosity rather than judgment—so that you too might grow in patience and kindness and find life that is truly life.

Have a great week. We’ll talk more next week about building character. Take care.